Your name is DAVE EGBERT and you are 12 years old. Among your many INTERESTS include a passion for PHOTOGRAPHY. You operate a near-professional DARKROOM that your DAD built for you to encourage your creativity. You maintain many BLOGS, WEBSITES, AND SOCIAL NETWORKING PROFILES, most of which are PRETENTIOUS AS FUCK. You enjoy dropping PHAT RHYMES that are UNCHARACTERISTICALLY RUDE. You also appreciate MOVIES and are an 80s kid in spirit. Your all-time favorite movie is, without a doubt, THE BREAKFAST CLUB.

Additionally, you are also crazy in love with JOHN STRIDER.

DEAL WITH IT.